Episode 26 – Gaining Strength
What the hell were you thinking! You are going to die. This is how it ends. Congratulations, you idiot, you just committed suicide. … Keep ReadingEpisode 26 – Gaining Strength
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Episode 26 Behind the Scenes: What I learned after almost drowning
Was I really that close to getting swept out to sea forever? … Keep ReadingEpisode 26 Behind the Scenes: What I learned after almost drowning
Seeing More: The Experience that Opened My Eyes
It was just so breathtakingly beautiful. To think, all of those colors are always there but my eyes are just not sensitive enough to see them! … Keep ReadingSeeing More: The Experience that Opened My Eyes
Episode 25 – Belle of the Ball
The feeling of no resistance when you pull on your leash is one of the most sickening things I’ve ever experienced. It is like standing naked in an open field, surrounded by snipers. You just know you are going to die, you just know it. … Keep ReadingEpisode 25 – Belle of the Ball
Episode 25 Behind the Scenes: What really happened with Oscar?
What really happened with that guy who made sure I made it to shore? … Keep ReadingEpisode 25 Behind the Scenes: What really happened with Oscar?
Why Do I Always End Up with Bad Boys?
Each tear burned with pain so sweet that I craved more. I cried as my heart once again shattered. And I savored the feeling. I enjoyed every single one of those tears knowing that pain is the mechanism by which we know joy. … Keep ReadingWhy Do I Always End Up with Bad Boys?
Episode 24 – Stuck in a Jail Cell
A female scream in a run-down Mexican neighborhood is a call to action. … Keep ReadingEpisode 24 – Stuck in a Jail Cell
Episode 24 Behind the Scenes: Where to surf in Acapulco
What happened to the puppy? … Keep ReadingEpisode 24 Behind the Scenes: Where to surf in Acapulco
Episode 23 – The Mexican Cartel
With absolutely no plan except to look for surf, I set off to the Land of Deeper. The farther south I traveled, the more rural and wild the land became. … Keep ReadingEpisode 23 – The Mexican Cartel
Episode 22 – The Thank You Note
I had done it. I had escaped from hell. But, even as I bathed in the moonlight, in the most heavenly setting imaginable, my heart ached for the loss of my lover … Keep ReadingEpisode 22 – The Thank You Note
I See Dead People
a chill clearly spread from my feet up to my shoulders. I wiped actual cold sweat from my brow. The edges of my vision went black. I took a deep breath and it hurt.
“Yo creo que si.” Carl said in his matter of fact, monotone voice. … Keep ReadingI See Dead People
Episode 22 Behind the Scenes: Where is he now?
How is he doing now? Do we talk? Did he ever read the letter? … Keep ReadingEpisode 22 Behind the Scenes: Where is he now?
Episode 21- Breaking the Rules
The concept blew my mind. I could say no. I could change my mind. I could do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to stay and suffer. I could end it. I wasn’t trapped. I could eat seven tacos. … Keep ReadingEpisode 21- Breaking the Rules
Episode 21 Behind the Scenes: A Secret Surf Spot
Want to know the location of a perfect A-frame peak I discovered on my trip? This is un UNKNOWN and EMPTY perfect beach break. This is the only place I will EVER publish the location. … Keep ReadingEpisode 21 Behind the Scenes: A Secret Surf Spot
Say No: I want to be more like Carl
“No podemos pasar.” Our Mexican guide, suggested we probably should not try to drive through knee deep water with a compact car.
“Yo creo que si.” Carl said in his matter of fact, monotone voice. … Keep ReadingSay No: I want to be more like Carl
Episode 20- South of the Border
I hadn’t been careful at all. I had been ignorant and arrogant, again. The buzz from the adventure started to wane as I sweated out my arrogance in a dumpy Mexican hotel room. … Keep ReadingEpisode 20- South of the Border
My Hawaiian Home
A video tour of my Hawaiian home where I can see Sunset Beach, Backyards and Vland from my front porch … Keep ReadingMy Hawaiian Home
Episode 20 Behind the Scenes: A photo tour
Photos from the first few days of my trip. The Mechanic, The Hotel, The Waves, The Food! … Keep ReadingEpisode 20 Behind the Scenes: A photo tour
Dieting: Old behaviors are calling me back
This month I’ve eaten a lot of foods I don’t normally eat… at least three cookies per day, lots cream, butter, mayo and/or cheese at every meal in large quantities, red meat and pork. … Keep ReadingDieting: Old behaviors are calling me back
Doing good: I want to be more like Carl
“No podemos pasar.” Our Mexican guide, suggested we probably should not try to drive through knee deep water with a compact car.
“Yo creo que si.” Carl said in his matter of fact, monotone voice. … Keep ReadingDoing good: I want to be more like Carl
Episode 19 – Leaving
Adrenaline and good music pumped as I crossed the California border. Here we go, here we go, here we go! The cruise was set to 80 mph. I hugged the left lane and I felt I could take on the world….
WHAM! SMACK! I screamed, the cur lurched left. … … Keep ReadingEpisode 19 – Leaving
Episode 19 Behind the Scenes – The Playlist
Getting bigger – body mind and soul … Keep ReadingEpisode 19 Behind the Scenes – The Playlist
Episode 18 – Getting Bigger
“You will lose your beauty.”
I don’t know where the words came from. The voice wasn’t audible, but it was from outside me.
“You will lose your beauty, and you will gain your soul.”
And it wouldn’t shut up. … Keep ReadingEpisode 18 – Getting Bigger
Looking Cool: I want to be more like Carl
He had long arms that hung in front of his body off of his slumping shoulders. He wore tivas, dark green cargo pants and an oversized black t-shirt with white salt stain. He was baled on the top of his head except for one patch that sprung up from his forehead about 5 inches long. … Keep ReadingLooking Cool: I want to be more like Carl
Episode 18 Behind the Scenes
Getting bigger – body mind and soul … Keep ReadingEpisode 18 Behind the Scenes
Episode 17 – Mom Knows Best
“I believe mastering achievements is something God has put in your heart. What an awesome thing that is. But, do it because it pleases Him not me.” … Keep ReadingEpisode 17 – Mom Knows Best
Ending my Love Affair with Calories and Cardio
A nasty diet culture thought instantly popped into my head, “Those things have like 300 calories, that would pretty much cancel out my workout.”
Cancel out my workout… WHOA! What a sec, my workout had nothing to do with calories. My workout was because I WANTED to workout … Keep ReadingEnding my Love Affair with Calories and Cardio
Episode 17 Behind the Scenes
Never earing enough … Keep ReadingEpisode 17 Behind the Scenes
The Bedroom
Staying in my childhood bedroom while visiting family for the holidays … Keep ReadingThe Bedroom
Episode 16 – The Best News
Five days later, the nurse wouldn’t give me the info on the phone. Instead, she set me up an appointment with an oncologist who was also a breast surgeon. Oh boy. … Keep ReadingEpisode 16 – The Best News
Stress and Stuff
People keep asking me how I afford what I’m doing, but I’m asking the same question of them.
People keep saying, “It must be nice not to have to spend the majority of your day working.” And I just reply, “It must be nice to own a toaster and a nativity set.” … Keep ReadingStress and Stuff
Episode 16 Behind the Scenes
Finding out I was BRCA1 positive … Keep ReadingEpisode 16 Behind the Scenes
Episode 15 – Giving Up
The idea was planted in my head to take an extended surf vacation. I couldn’t stop obsessing on it. I realized that, at thirty-two years old, I was suddenly handed a second chance in life. I realized the opportunity to travel had returned. If I didn’t go this time, I might never be able to go again. … Keep ReadingEpisode 15 – Giving Up
Episode 15 Behind the Scenes
How I was able to get rid of it all. … Keep ReadingEpisode 15 Behind the Scenes
What’s the Point of Surfing Heavy Waves?
Imagine a lifetime of refusal to let go, refusal to suffer loss. Do we ever experience the depths of soul connection living this way? Do we ever soar? Or do we just settle for safe subject like the annoying boss and the bank account. Do we come home to the safety of mediocrity day after day only to wake up one day in a hospital bed facing the end of our lives and releasing we’ve never really lived? We guarded our hearts against loss, and we missed out on love, real love. I risk, because I want to experience the grandness of it all. … Keep ReadingWhat’s the Point of Surfing Heavy Waves?
Episode 14 – Hitting Bottom
At some point, I became aware that my mind was in a very dark place. I had traveled into the darkest space of my soul. I was terrified, yet enticed to go deeper. Thoughts of blackness filled my mind, longings for a place of nothingness, thoughts that coaxed me further in the direction of letting go, for good. What was the point? … Keep ReadingEpisode 14 – Hitting Bottom
Why do I Choose Badly Every Time?
Heartbreak is very closely related to the feeling of being in love. Sometimes I feel like I go looking for it for that very reason. … Keep ReadingWhy do I Choose Badly Every Time?
Episode 14 Behind the Scenes
The 12 step program that saved my life. … Keep ReadingEpisode 14 Behind the Scenes
The Best Drugs: Barrels, Mexican food and “Ehem”
But that same red flag is part of the attraction isn’t it? When things get heated and everything feels so heavy, those moments are also feeding my addiction. Clearly I’m addicted to excitement, it’s why I like scary waves. I love the drama. … Keep ReadingThe Best Drugs: Barrels, Mexican food and “Ehem”
Episode 13 – Detaching
I began to entertain thoughts of divorce–or at least legal separation–to protect myself and my business. I called my lawyer. He said he wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up dead, my body dumped off the pier. He said he had seen the situation a hundred times, and the longer the abused party allowed the abuser to carry on, the more dangerous it became … Keep ReadingEpisode 13 – Detaching
Episode 13 Behind the Scenes
Who I called and what they did when I was at my bottom. … Keep ReadingEpisode 13 Behind the Scenes
Episode 12 – The Princess Cave
I described my terror at watching my savings dwindle, little by little. I told the therapist that I probably had enough to survive for six months on my own. After that, I would not be able to pay rent or buy food. … Keep ReadingEpisode 12 – The Princess Cave
Episode 12 Behind the Scenes
Pulling out those emails while writing this episode was a really wake up call. … Keep ReadingEpisode 12 Behind the Scenes
Could Thinner Actually Mean Happier?
But I am happy, right now. Very happy indeed. Is it cool to want more? It is the natural order of the universe to expand, specifically, to expand our level of happiness. … Keep ReadingCould Thinner Actually Mean Happier?
I Went Broke, and I Think it Saved My Life
What happened when I stopped doing all the things I felt I should do and instead started doing only the things which I wanted to do? … Keep ReadingI Went Broke, and I Think it Saved My Life
Episode 11 – The Safe House
I described my terror at watching my savings dwindle, little by little. I told the therapist that I probably had enough to survive for six months on my own. After that, I would not be able to pay rent or buy food. … Keep ReadingEpisode 11 – The Safe House
Episode 11 Behind the Scenes
This was supposed to be the easy episode to write. But I cried my whole way through it! … Keep ReadingEpisode 11 Behind the Scenes
My Internal Clock is More Like a Time Bomb
“We are going to need to take out your ovaries and fallopian tubes within the next five years.” The doctor said it so matter-of-factly that I almost choked, … Keep ReadingMy Internal Clock is More Like a Time Bomb
Episode 10 – White Trash
It was the loophole to my vows that day on Sunset Beach. I told my journal, “I want out. A part of me hopes he relapses. Of course I don’t want that for him, I just want out.” … Keep ReadingEpisode 10 – White Trash
I’m So F***ed Right Now
I’m sick of spending every evening alone on social media in my bed. I’m sick of eating every meal alone. I want a partner! But when his dad sat down next to me in tears to describe how happy he was to have me as part of the family, I started freaking out a bit. … Keep ReadingI’m So F***ed Right Now
Episode 10 Behind the Scenes
Too deep inside it to see how crazy it was…until I wrote about it. … Keep ReadingEpisode 10 Behind the Scenes
Overconfidence in the Water
How I managed to break two boards in under 48 hours, the nasty hold downs and the lessons I took away from it. … Keep ReadingOverconfidence in the Water
Dear Stress, I Miss You
Dear Stress,
I forced you out of my life about 19 months ago when I stuck my middle finger up, watching you fade in my rear view mirror as I drove south on Mexico 200. … Keep ReadingDear Stress, I Miss You
Episode 9 – The Relapse
But it had been nearly seven years since the last time Kurt got high. I couldn’t let my mind go there. Was there another woman? I couldn’t let my mind go there either. … Keep ReadingEpisode 9 – The Relapse
Episode 9 Behind the Scenes
Love made me blind … Keep ReadingEpisode 9 Behind the Scenes
Culture Shock in San Diego
Being in San Diego has been a bit trippy
Being outside of all of this for a while has given me a fresh perspective.
I walked through the open air market in Ocean Beach last week, literally speechless. Everyone has their identity. They pay good money to maintain their identity. Surfer, punk, yoga girl, yuppy housewife, everyone has a look. Their look says a lot about what they are into, and that is the point. … Keep ReadingCulture Shock in San Diego
11 Mistakes that Killed my Relationships: and what I’m doing about it
There is no happily ever after. There is no end game. There is this moment. There is the instant-by-instant fluid movement of me, him and this third entity “The Relationship”. Hold loosely, risk boldly.
… Keep Reading11 Mistakes that Killed my Relationships: and what I’m doing about it
Episode 8 – Not What I Signed Up For
It was the loophole to my vows that day on Sunset Beach. I told my journal, “I want out. A part of me hopes he relapses. Of course I don’t want that for him, I just want out.” … Keep ReadingEpisode 8 – Not What I Signed Up For
Episode 8 Behind the Scenes
When everything goes right, you have to hold it loosely … Keep ReadingEpisode 8 Behind the Scenes
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