I’m So F***ed Right Now

a man climbs a coconut tree

It was around midnight when I leaned over to him. Talking directly into his ear so he could hear me over the traditional Mexican music De La Banda that was blasting through a speaker. In Spanish I asked him,

“What is the word for the party that follows a wedding?”

“Termaboda,” he replied.

“I feel like this is our termaboda.” I said.

“Si no?!” A big smile came over his face and he kissed me hard.

I was meeting my new boyfriend’s family for the first time.

He hadn’t been home to his island in months and hadn’t actually lived there in almost two years. So when he showed up with a tall white girl in tow it was cause for celebration. A cousin went fishing and within an hour there was a banquet of the freshest seafood possible spread out in front of us.  

No one planned the party, it just sort of happened. The music got louder and word spread around the tiny island like wildfire. Soon the cousins, aunts and uncles showed up from around the community to eat and drink. Case after case of Corona was brought from the only store on the island until you couldn’t even see the table anymore because it was so covered in empties.

He introduced me to his niece as her “tia” (aunt) and to his brother as his new “cunada” (sister-in-law). When the little kids were running around burning off their energy, he looked at me and said, “We are just missing one of our own.”

We danced in the sand under his beachfront palapa until the early hours of the morning.

I cried when his dad sat down next to me and in tears himself, he described how happy he was to see his son so happy and healthy and with such a wonderful woman. The next morning I was told the party ended at 4am, but I really have no idea.

The reason for the visit to the island was that he was showing some of his property to to a potential buyer. I was fascinated by the way in which the business negotiation was done.

The buyer had also traveled with us to the island and had also taken part in the party of the night before. But for the first 24 hours no business was discussed and no land was shown.  I thought maybe it was one of those “wine and dine” business deals but was surprised when I saw the buyer was given no special treatment and expected to pay for his own beers.

After a full day of recovery from the festivities of the evening before I acompied the men to view the land. We returned to the palapa where the three of us sat around a table eating more fish that my boyfriend had caught that morning and then cooked for us. The conversation was unlike any business negotiation I had ever been privy to before.

My boyfriend talked first. He described everything he wanted to do with the money he would earn from the sale.

He would buy new equipment for his surf school. He would remodel the kitchen and hire a worker to reopen the beach restaurant which had closed after his mother got ill. Eventually he would build cabañas on one of his empty lots, build a web page (which I would build and run for him) and start bringing in surf groups and maybe yoga groups with my help. He also wanted to remodel his own living space to make it more comfortable and private for me. He told the buyer how much money he would need to do all of these things and when he would need the money. He noted that he didn’t need all of it at once and that meant the buyer could make payments.

Then the buyer took his turn to talk. He talked about when his busy season at work is and how much he could afford and when.

Finally they discussed the price of the land and what the payment plan would be and easily settled on a number. The actually conversation took 15 minutes. But it had been three days in coming.

I was shocked when my boyfriend looked at me and asked me for the final word.

“You are my partner, if the deal doesn’t sound good to you then I won’t do it.”

Maybe I should back up. We’ve been together one month now. Yup, one month.

And already we are doing business together, planning a family and having a reception. I’m definitely having an, “oh shit” moment right now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m 100% in. I want everything he wants. I want to help him with his beachfront home, his surf school. I want to bring yoga students to the hostil that he is going to build. I want to have little surfer babies. I want this life. 100% no doubts about it.

Also he is incredible. I trust him. Obviously one month is a short time. But so far, I really trust him.

But fuck this is fast! And it’s really huge. I feel like I’m planning out my entire future in one weekend. How did all this happen like this?

I also want my life. I’ve been on my own, doing me for almost three years now. I’ve been building the brand of “Melanie” for three years. I’ve been working toward something.

Right now I’m getting 100 new followers a day on Facebook. I have no idea how or why. I’m getting close to 400 views per day on my instagram story. My story has readers in nine countries. I was on two postcasts this month. I just got my first surfboard sponsor offer. How? Because I’m working it. I’m posting high quality content to all my web outlets and people are resonating with it. And I fucking love it.

I’m still not making much money off of any of this but I feel like I’m on the verge of something. I feel like in another year, I can be full time working for myself and supporting myself to live in Puerto year round with a pretty good standard of living and money to visit my family.

I want to be able to brand myself, to grow as a big wave surfer and to travel when I want/need to. Can’t I have both? I don’t see why not. There is decent wifi here on the island and I can continue as a writer. I am close to Puerto and I don’t see any reason why I can’t live one month on, one month off or three or four months during the peak of the surf season. That way I can continue to train for big waves and hopefully get enough recognition to be invited to compete.

OMG I’m so future tripping right now!

I need to be careful. This is a lot, all at once. I don’t want to lose myself. I always do this. I give all of myself away to whomever I feel I can benefit most from. It’s not productive in the end.

But I have always wanted this. A simple life, free of the concerns of money, free from the pressure of modern society. Recently I’ve been pretty focused on self promotion because this is how you grow your business . But I’m not convinced it is something that I really want.

I’m sick of spending evening alone on social media in my bed. I’m sick of eating every meal alone. I want a partner!

I think the suddenness  of this relationship and the potential for the future are scaring the shit out of me right now.

I love this man, I love this life, but am I ready to say “yes”? That  means saying “no” to a lot of other things. This is what I have to decide. Like now, before I break my own heart and someone else’s again.

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