Dieting: Old behaviors are calling me back

It’s the evening of Christmas and…

I am dying to go on a diet. I’m really feeling down about my body right now. Here is why:

This month, while staying with my mom and dad, I’ve eaten a lot of foods I don’t normally eat. I’ve eaten at least three cookies per day. I’ve had cream, butter, mayo and/or cheese at every meal in large quantities. At least twice per day I’ve consumed red meat or pork. Plus a lot of special desserts, heavy appetizers, chips, crackers, pizza and the like.

I want to diet. But I know that I can’t. I know that, first of all, diets don’t work and secondly they make me hate myself and send me to a very dark place

Now I’m totally cool with what I ate for the last month, in fact, proud of myself for eating it. I let myself have whatever I wanted, as much of it as I wanted. A couple of time I could feel eating disorder scolding myself for having a second or third cookie, or breaking of just a piece when I really wanted the whole thing. But for the most part I pretty much just ate how I wanted to it. And it was awesome.

But the thing is, I don’t want to eat like that any more. Honestly I don’t. Here is why:

First, my back hurts really badly. I strained it, but it doesn’t seem to be getting better very quickly at all. I believe it is partly due to the processed foods I’ve been eating. I feel I have a lot of inflammation in my body.

Then there is the fact that I’m also thicker all over. I have a harder time breathing when my chin is tucked with extra neck fat. I can’t do unassisted pull ups right now and I believe it has to do with my weight gain (almost 15 lbs this month) because I could do them when I was thinner. This is an essential move for surfers. I want to be quicker while I’m surfing, more explosive. I have massive waves to surf in just a few days and I’m feeling bulky, to bulky to be safe. This will affect my confidence in the water.

Plus I don’t feel sexy, especially with all the additional cellulite that has showed up this month.

Goals:

So my game plan is not to focus on weight at all but rather to focus on the bigger goals: Feeling sexy, becoming more explosive and powerful, decreasing inflammation. I don’t have to wait until I leave my parents house to focus on any of these. So here are the goals:

  1. Less back pain
  2. More confidence/success in the water
  3. Less cellulite (I know this is a very superficial/diet culture goal but I’m just trying to be honest with myself, and the truth is, I really do want to have less cellulite, so why not be honest about it)
  4. Increased body awareness and body kindness.

Game Plan

  1. Cut back on sweets and processed foods. I’ve been eating cookies for breakfast and centering meals around cheese, bread and heavy meats. Instead I’ll try to get filled up on whole food options and then allow the other foods (like cookies and cheese) if I still want them after first eating my veggies, lean proteins, healthy fats, whole grains and fruits. (Since I’ve learned so much about listening to my hunger and fullness cues I think this will actually work well)
  2. Positive self talk. Catching myself every time my mind goes to a negative place and remind myself I’m doing the best I can and that my worth has nothing to do with my size.
  3. Surf and do explosive cardio. I feel my best when I’m getting 2-3 hours of exercise per day. I’m going to shoot for at least two hours of surfing plus some explosive cardio most days. I’m also going to listen closely for exhaustion/overtraining cues from my body. I will not push to hard. I will be kind to myself.
  4. Track on a spreadsheet, recording daily the values on a scale of one to ten for the following:

Hunger

Energy

Sex Drive

Feelings about my body

Body aches/stiffness

Illness symptoms

Energy expenditure

Stress level

This plan is just for this month and then I’ll re-evaluate. I can change it at any time. There is no end goal except to feel my best and be really self aware. If at any time I don’t like the rules I can throw them out the window but I will continue to monitor how how I feel daily. I will try to receive as much information as I can from my body. I will try to treat my body as kindly as possible. I like this game plan a lot!

And, I’ll be writing about how I feel and posting about it a couple of times per week.

It’s More than Just Weight

Another issue I’m facing is what to write about next. The truth is that I feel like a big old egomaniac. I feel like I have nothing to say without breathing. I haven’t figured anything out. But actually I have figured a couple of things out that work really well for me and I’d like to write about those things. So I’m going to read this month. I’m going to write about my current relationship with food as described above and I’m going to read books on the topic which I want to write about. And I’ll write about what I’m learning and how I’m inspired. Hopefully that will give me an outline for what to write next.

Edit: I ordered 5 books I’m stoked on… I will be sharing summaries!

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