Category: Episodes

Life is just life. It’s made up of a million trillion little moments of looking out of barrels, of hearts connecting at an atomic level–and of flat tires on the freeway and washing vomit from my face. … Keep ReadingEpisode 47: I Hoped it Would End Differently

I can risk it all. I can trust where I’ve been, looking back and seeing how the universe has prepared me perfectly for this moment. I can take the leap when the opportunity comes. If I fail…. … Keep ReadingEpisode 46: Back to Mex

I can’t control the speed at which recovery happens. I hate myself for mistreating myself. So I mistreat myself for hating myself. Give it up. … Keep ReadingEpisode 45: The Eating Disorder Never Really Goes Away

I’m an awful surfer. I’m an awful human. Why do I even try? I should just give up on surfing, and life, before I embarrassed myself further. … Keep ReadingEpisode 44: Bali Baby

I hadn’t meant to get attached to him. Nor had he meant to get attached to me. And yet, we had found it difficult to spend more than twenty-four hours apart. He was too old for me and I was too free-spirited for him … Keep ReadingEpisode 43: North Shore Romance

If waves are women, then Sunset is the alpha female. My first paddle out at Sunset Beach took finding my bravest self. … Keep ReadingEpisode 42: On a Beach in Hawaii

What if they see through my act the same way I am now seeing through it? What if they have been seeing through it all along and laughing at me behind my back? … Keep ReadingEpisode 41: The Come Down

That wave established rhythm for me. I was high, in a flow state. I was surfing for pure joy, and surfing far better than I expected. … Keep ReadingEpisode 40: The Pay Off

I waited for the doctor to make thirteen stitches in my torn up lip. My teeth had ripped through. The doctor set my nose at straight as it would get… I wanted him there with me. But we had separated months ago … Keep ReadingEpisode 39: Ego Induced Injuries

You are too old, you are too fat, you are too broke. You are not a natural athlete, you needed more friends in your life, no man will ever want you if prioritize surfing above relationships. … Keep ReadingEpisode 38: Doubt

“Hunger is the feeling of being Skinny” got replaced with a subconscious mantra, “Choking for air is the feeling of surfing big waves” … Keep ReadingEpisode 37: Control Freak

My heart rate had slowed to 33 BPM. It had been four minutes and twenty-five seconds since my last breath. I had learned to control my body so well, I could control my heart rate. … Keep ReadingEpisode 36 – Heart Rate 33 BPM, Whole new level of control

Every problem I had been fighting to control had vanished. Now I had a new problem: there were no problems. I realized my new struggle: Surf Puerto Escondido … Keep ReadingEpisode 35: Learning to surf de verdad

To paraphrase Mark Twain, I was no longer afraid to die, because I was no longer afraid to live. … Keep ReadingEpisode 34: Seconds from Death and Born Again

¡Estas bien grande!” he greeted: “You are good and big!”
Big. I was Big. And I wasn’t all muscle! … Keep ReadingEpisode 33 – Gordita

I cried. I couldn’t remember the last time I held felt so happy. Life never tasted quite so sweet. … Keep ReadingEpisode 32 – Out of Control

Help! I’m dating the cartel!
“I was able to make out the words ‘jail’ and ‘money’. But I wasn’t in real danger was I?” … Keep ReadingEpisode 31 – Dangerous Men

I never knew where we were going, why we were going there, how long we would stay, how we would eat or where we would sleep. … Keep ReadingEpisode 30 – More Brushes with the Cartel

He preferred to eat octopus and sleep in a hammock. This man had found a second way…a way that was starting to resonate with me. … Keep ReadingEpisode 29 – Money is Optional

There was no Yelp, no Google business listings. There is just the guy who knows a guy who can bring you to that guy. But I didn’t know any of these guys. I was alone. … Keep ReadingEpisode 28 – Alone, Voiceless and Trapped

The options were either going home and calling my adventure quits, or losing everything I owned … Keep ReadingEpisode 27 – Burning the Ships

What the hell were you thinking! You are going to die. This is how it ends. Congratulations, you idiot, you just committed suicide. … Keep ReadingEpisode 26 – Gaining Strength

The feeling of no resistance when you pull on your leash is one of the most sickening things I’ve ever experienced. It is like standing naked in an open field, surrounded by snipers. You just know you are going to die, you just know it. … Keep ReadingEpisode 25 – Belle of the Ball

A female scream in a run-down Mexican neighborhood is a call to action. … Keep ReadingEpisode 24 – Stuck in a Jail Cell

With absolutely no plan except to look for surf, I set off to the Land of Deeper. The farther south I traveled, the more rural and wild the land became. … Keep ReadingEpisode 23 – The Mexican Cartel

I had done it. I had escaped from hell. But, even as I bathed in the moonlight, in the most heavenly setting imaginable, my heart ached for the loss of my lover … Keep ReadingEpisode 22 – The Thank You Note

The concept blew my mind. I could say no. I could change my mind. I could do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to stay and suffer. I could end it. I wasn’t trapped. I could eat seven tacos. … Keep ReadingEpisode 21- Breaking the Rules

I hadn’t been careful at all. I had been ignorant and arrogant, again. The buzz from the adventure started to wane as I sweated out my arrogance in a dumpy Mexican hotel room. … Keep ReadingEpisode 20- South of the Border

Adrenaline and good music pumped as I crossed the California border. Here we go, here we go, here we go! The cruise was set to 80 mph. I hugged the left lane and I felt I could take on the world….
WHAM! SMACK! I screamed, the cur lurched left. … … Keep ReadingEpisode 19 – Leaving

“You will lose your beauty.”
I don’t know where the words came from. The voice wasn’t audible, but it was from outside me.
“You will lose your beauty, and you will gain your soul.”
And it wouldn’t shut up. … Keep ReadingEpisode 18 – Getting Bigger

“I believe mastering achievements is something God has put in your heart. What an awesome thing that is. But, do it because it pleases Him not me.” … Keep ReadingEpisode 17 – Mom Knows Best

Five days later, the nurse wouldn’t give me the info on the phone. Instead, she set me up an appointment with an oncologist who was also a breast surgeon. Oh boy. … Keep ReadingEpisode 16 – The Best News

The idea was planted in my head to take an extended surf vacation. I couldn’t stop obsessing on it. I realized that, at thirty-two years old, I was suddenly handed a second chance in life. I realized the opportunity to travel had returned. If I didn’t go this time, I might never be able to go again. … Keep ReadingEpisode 15 – Giving Up

At some point, I became aware that my mind was in a very dark place. I had traveled into the darkest space of my soul. I was terrified, yet enticed to go deeper. Thoughts of blackness filled my mind, longings for a place of nothingness, thoughts that coaxed me further in the direction of letting go, for good. What was the point? … Keep ReadingEpisode 14 – Hitting Bottom

I began to entertain thoughts of divorce–or at least legal separation–to protect myself and my business. I called my lawyer. He said he wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up dead, my body dumped off the pier. He said he had seen the situation a hundred times, and the longer the abused party allowed the abuser to carry on, the more dangerous it became … Keep ReadingEpisode 13 – Detaching

I described my terror at watching my savings dwindle, little by little. I told the therapist that I probably had enough to survive for six months on my own. After that, I would not be able to pay rent or buy food. … Keep ReadingEpisode 12 – The Princess Cave

I described my terror at watching my savings dwindle, little by little. I told the therapist that I probably had enough to survive for six months on my own. After that, I would not be able to pay rent or buy food. … Keep ReadingEpisode 11 – The Safe House

It was the loophole to my vows that day on Sunset Beach. I told my journal, “I want out. A part of me hopes he relapses. Of course I don’t want that for him, I just want out.”   … Keep ReadingEpisode 10 – White Trash

But it had been nearly seven years since the last time Kurt got high. I couldn’t let my mind go there. Was there another woman? I couldn’t let my mind go there either. … Keep ReadingEpisode 9 – The Relapse

It was the loophole to my vows that day on Sunset Beach. I told my journal, “I want out. A part of me hopes he relapses. Of course I don’t want that for him, I just want out.”   … Keep ReadingEpisode 8 – Not What I Signed Up For

My risky relationship with food progressed and my health issues worsened. I had my hormone levels tested and discovered that I was in early menopause–at 30 years old. My body had stopped producing the hormones needed for childbirth, tricked into thinking I lived in a period of famine … Keep ReadingEpisode 7 – Thin Enough

“I want to get you to some uncrowded waves.” he said to me. “You need to surf a point break where you don’t have to deal with getting smashed all the time. Have you ever been to Baja?”
“Mexico?” I asked as my heart pounded, “Isn’t that super dangerous?”
… Keep ReadingEpisode 6 – Off the Charts in Love

My sheltered little Christian heart dropped to the floor and shattered into a million little pieces. I left my heart on the floor, entered the bathroom, drank half a bottle of cold medication and pulled a towel over me. I wanted nothing more than to be dead. … Keep ReadingEpisode 5- Who’s Prettier Than Who

I had no idea how to say no once the ring was on my finger. I’m sure he probably felt the same way. We both had been raised with strict Christian values; neither of us valued ourselves enough to know how to say what we wanted. We did, however, know that we wanted to have sex, and in order to do that we would need to God’s permission. So we got married. … Keep ReadingEpisode 4 – Permission

I hated my femininity and rebelled against it at every turn. I arm-wrestled boys in Sunday school and played tackle football with them after church. Since I was horribly ugly, I assumed the best way to get boys to like me was to act like them. I got really good at football and snowboarding. But I definitely didn’t get any boyfriends for it. … Keep ReadingEpisode 3 – Cursed to be Female

Hunger became an enemy shortly after puberty. It would shadow me, constantly tapping on my shoulder. So I worked harder, earned more A’s and MVP’s. But nothing filled me up. … Keep ReadingEpisode 2 – Perfection

Day 432

My heart raced. I laid my index and middle finger to my neck, timing my pulse. I seriously need to calm down, I thought, knowing that it wouldn’t happen. For an hour, I’d surveyed the breaking waves, judging where I wanted to enter the water, what line I wanted to take on the paddle out, where I wanted to sit among the other surfers.  Most of all, I’d surveyed my inner self, and whether I had what it would take to ride one of those giants … Keep ReadingEpisode 1 – Becoming Enough