Day 170
“¡Remas como una tortuga! Tienes las ganas, tienes fuerza, pero te falta técnica.”
My coach, a 21-year-old hot shot in the waves, with whom I had traded a surfboard and a set of fins in exchange for lessons, was giving me some not so gentle pointers. In typical machismo fashion, he wasn’t mincing words when he told me I was brave and strong but my technique sucked and my paddling looked like a turtle. I worked hard with Jose for a month. Each session was brutal on my ego. After several days in crappy conditions, I wasn’t seeing much improvement. Jose continued to scream at me from the line up, and I continued to take heavy wipeouts. I began to question my motivation, my ability and the overall do-ableness of what I wanted to accomplish. Fear crept in, taking the form of excuses. The Voice came back to taunt me,
You are too old, you are too fat, you are too broke. You are not a natural athlete, you needed more friends in your life, no man will ever want you if prioritize surfing above relationships.
The Voice started calling me on the phone, but the caller ID said “Grandma”. The Voice told me I was being selfish by not being around the family and finding a nice man and having kids. The Voice called again, from my Mom’s number, and told me that surfing wasn’t glorifying the Lord like I was made to do. The Voice called from my Dad’s cell phone too, but took a gentler approach, letting me know how much I was missed. Lastly, The Voice texted me from my bank and told me I had overdrawn my account.
The Voice invoked even Kurt, telling me me how inflated my ego was. It had been over a year since we had exchanged any communication (except about legal matters, mostly via a lawyer). I missed my friend. Honestly, I still held some sliver of hope that one day the P.O.W. would return home, and we would enjoy a fairy tale ending. Something in me desperately hoped to reach out to him, to rewind the tape and start over. One lonely night, I couldn’t bear the silence. I typed over a thousand words into an email, describing how much I would always love him, how grateful I was to him and how I wished him nothing but the best. I erased the entire email and replaced all those words with two short sentences.
“I can’t stop hoping you are doing super good right now. I’d love to hear from you.”
I received a response, and it was exactly what I needed to hear–although not what I wanted.
“I accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I no longer accept yours.
What exactly is your motivation here with these emails? What is it that you want? You left me, divorced me, used me and now all of a sudden you’re contacting me? Did your tarot cards tell you to email me or did you make a decision on your own for once?
A couple people that know us both very well have said it best. ‘Melanie is about Melanie.’
I have moved on with my life. Do not contact me again unless you have money for me and/or my mother’s diamond.
I expect nothing from you.
I believe you are way too selfish to even think of giving anything to me let alone actually do it.
I saw in the latest newsletter email something about you creating this life you’re living. What a joke. You’d still be at [your corporate job] if it weren’t for me. You’re delusional.”
He still knew exactly what words to wield to cut the deepest. The pain of the truth, delivered with all the weight of a Zicatela wipeout, threatened to smash me back into the tiny little frame in which I once lived.
My phone buzzed as I was drifting off to sleep in my Mexican studio apartment. I was almost too tired to check it after a day of some of the heaviest surfing, and wiping out, in some of the biggest waves I had attempted yet. This better not be another hater. I reached over and unlocked the screen.
“¿Eres tu?” It was an Instagram message from someone I didn’t know. It had a photo attachment. Apparently, the unknown Instagram follower thought the photo may have been of me, since his question was, “Is this you?” I unlocked the home screen to see a photo of a girl racing down the barrel of a pretty good-sized, well-overhead wave.
My first thought was, No way, I don’t surf like that! So, I wrote back, “No, it’s not me, but I wish it was.”
“Si, eres tu! Hoy por la manana, Far Bar.” It was indeed me. He confirmed the part of the beach and time I had been surfing that morning, where the photo was taken. On a second look, I saw that the bathing suit in the photo was the same color of the one I had been wearing.
I had been purposely not asking any of the beach photographers if they had photos of me, reminding myself that, when my surfing spoke for itself, there would be photos.
Out of the hundreds of people surfing that area on any given day, I stood out. I was being seen. I couldn’t sleep for hours after receiving that photo, I felt high. That was me, getting recognized for surfing. I felt like a worthwhile human being for the first time in a very, very long time.
Surfing was helping me to feel big again. It had gotten me this far, and I was sure it could get me more. My resolve for success in the big waves was made firm. I set out, ready for battle.
_________
*some names have been changed to protect privacy
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