Episode 19 – Leaving

Adrenaline and good music pumped as I crossed the California border. Here we go, here we go, here we go! The cruise was set to 80 mph. I hugged the left lane and I felt I could take on the world….
WHAM! SMACK! I screamed, the cur lurched left. … … Keep ReadingEpisode 19 – Leaving

Episode 15 – Giving Up

The idea was planted in my head to take an extended surf vacation. I couldn’t stop obsessing on it. I realized that, at thirty-two years old, I was suddenly handed a second chance in life. I realized the opportunity to travel had returned. If I didn’t go this time, I might never be able to go again. … Keep ReadingEpisode 15 – Giving Up

Episode 14 – Hitting Bottom

At some point, I became aware that my mind was in a very dark place. I had traveled into the darkest space of my soul. I was terrified, yet enticed to go deeper. Thoughts of blackness filled my mind, longings for a place of nothingness, thoughts that coaxed me further in the direction of letting go, for good. What was the point? … Keep ReadingEpisode 14 – Hitting Bottom

Episode 13 – Detaching

I began to entertain thoughts of divorce–or at least legal separation–to protect myself and my business. I called my lawyer. He said he wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up dead, my body dumped off the pier. He said he had seen the situation a hundred times, and the longer the abused party allowed the abuser to carry on, the more dangerous it became … Keep ReadingEpisode 13 – Detaching

Episode 7 – Thin Enough

My risky relationship with food progressed and my health issues worsened. I had my hormone levels tested and discovered that I was in early menopause–at 30 years old. My body had stopped producing the hormones needed for childbirth, tricked into thinking I lived in a period of famine … Keep ReadingEpisode 7 – Thin Enough

Episode 4 – Permission

I had no idea how to say no once the ring was on my finger. I’m sure he probably felt the same way. We both had been raised with strict Christian values; neither of us valued ourselves enough to know how to say what we wanted. We did, however, know that we wanted to have sex, and in order to do that we would need to God’s permission. So we got married. … Keep ReadingEpisode 4 – Permission

Episode 3 – Cursed to be Female

I hated my femininity and rebelled against it at every turn. I arm-wrestled boys in Sunday school and played tackle football with them after church. Since I was horribly ugly, I assumed the best way to get boys to like me was to act like them. I got really good at football and snowboarding. But I definitely didn’t get any boyfriends for it. … Keep ReadingEpisode 3 – Cursed to be Female

Episode 1 – Becoming Enough

Day 432

My heart raced. I laid my index and middle finger to my neck, timing my pulse. I seriously need to calm down, I thought, knowing that it wouldn’t happen. For an hour, I’d surveyed the breaking waves, judging where I wanted to enter the water, what line I wanted to take on the paddle out, where I wanted to sit among the other surfers.  Most of all, I’d surveyed my inner self, and whether I had what it would take to ride one of those giants … Keep ReadingEpisode 1 – Becoming Enough