Episode 41: The Come Down

Day 234

The surfing season was ending, the swells diminishing and with poorer form. Traveling surfers returned to their lives to earn money in order to return next season. The town of Puerto Escondido quieted, from hustle, bustle and always exciting to slow and lonely. The energy drained from the ocean, the town and my body. Without the constant fear of drowning during my daily surf sessions, I became depressed. The daily drama was gone. Life resumed being easy. Too easy. It was like coming down from a high. I was physically tired. My body felt like it had been hit by a truck.

I had written down three goals before I left my life in San Diego. To learn Spanish, to improve my surfing and to turn the corner with my eating disorder. I had checked off all three. And now, I had even checked off my new goal of surfing big waves. Although I wouldn’t see it clearly until much later, I had been able to satisfy many hungers; for food, for risk, for financial security and for attention.

And, suddenly, I was back to bored. The hunger crept slowly back.

I went looking for the next thing to fill me up. I got really, really hungry. I can guarantee that if someone had sent me photos from earlier surf sessions, I would have stopped opening the fridge every ten minutes and started opening Instagram instead. Hungry for recognition, excitement, drama, connection, love. I had checked off all my goals and I was still hungry.

One morning, I wrote down everything I ate before noon: a bowl of oatmeal, a buttery coffee, a plate of sautéed chicken and kale, two Hershey’s Kisses and half a block of tofu with olive oil and salt; and still I was starving for so much more.

I had been in Puerto Escondido long enough to learn the ropes; the best beaches to surf, the best places to stay, who to rent from, who to hire for lessons, which airports to fly into, and I was speaking decent Spanish. For a while, I had been wanting to share my newfound love for Mexico with my former community in Ocean Beach. And I felt I had arrived at some perfect place in life–I was eager to share how wise I felt I had become as well. I decided to host a yoga retreat.

I rented a seven bedroom mansion on the beach, hired a private chef and three surf instructors. I planned yoga workshops and yoga classes, and marketed a “life-changing yoga retreat in Mexico” everyday via social media. My email list boasted three thousand people, and I consistently received hundreds of interactions daily as I posted pictures of my surfing progress. My former yoga students expressed how much they missed me and wanted to come visit me. I was certain I had learned something transformational in my travels and was eager to share it all.

My “Epic Life-Changing Event” wasn’t an easy sell. Maybe my students were nervous about coming to Mexico. Maybe money was an issue, since most of my following was from an economically depressed neighborhood of San Diego, where my yoga studio had been located. Maybe they just didn’t see my social media posts about the retreat (between all the yoga selfies, big wave shots and other pictures of me begging for validation) or maybe people didn’t want to “Come to Mexico, do yoga, and change [your] life forever”, as my tag line promised. Maybe they didn’t need to be changed by me at all. Maybe they were just fine the way they were, thank you very much.

On the day of the retreat, only four of us were present to launch all the epic life-changing. Me, one other instructor and two students, one of whom I had recruited and one that the other instructor had recruited. Just one student that I had recruited. One. Four years of running a yoga studio, learning the name of every damn person who walked through that freaking door, pouring my heart into my students, offering a discount to anyone who needed it, four years of walks with my students when they broke up with their boyfriends, service on the town council, planning social events for my students to get to know each other. Four years of blood, sweat and tears! And just one of my students showed up to my retreat. One. (Ironically, the one student who came used no social media and saw none of my posts about how her life would be changed by my epic event. She just wanted to go surfing.)

I am 13 again, and no one RSVPs for my birthday party because they all have better plans.

I am 19 and I don’t know anyone on campus, so I eat lunch alone. The only person who talks to me is the boy with a mirror on his shoe trying to see up my skirt.

I am 22 and there is half a keg left the morning after Josh’s and my going-away party as we prepare to move to California. Apparently, a full keg was too much for all 9 people who showed up.

I am 26. I purchase myself a flat screen, I rent a big apartment, I invite all my friends to watch football on Sundays. They all go to Greg’s tiny, three hundred square feet studio instead. My boyfriend and I sit on my new couch alone.

I am 29. My yoga studio is just months old. I attend every class, every day, just to put one more body in the room so the students don’t feel awkward, practicing with just one or two people and the teacher.

I am 30. I buy $250 worth of food for the grill. I invite all my friends to the beautiful backyard Kurt designed for us. The next day, I have $200 worth of leftovers.

I am 31. I am in my therapist’s office. Why does no one want to come to my parties? Why aren’t clients coming to my business in droves? Why does no one like me? Why am I a worthless piece of shit?

“I want to offer people something life-changing. I want to share everything I’ve learned. I want to teach people to live big. I want to help women feel good about themselves. I want to change the world. I just don’t understand. How can I have all of this to share and no one to share it with? Even when I offer classes and parties and events for free, I still  can’t get anyone to show up. Maybe it’s me? Maybe I need to network more, meet more people, get a bigger social media following, make a better name for myself, stand out of the crowd more. Maybe if people knew me, maybe then…”

My brilliant therapist cut me off. “Maybe then what, Melanie?”

“Maybe then I would be able to help people more.”

“Help people?” she asked. “Try again. Maybe if you stood out more, maybe if you were seen, maybe if people attend your events and knew your name, maybe then…Maybe then what Melanie?”

I still didn’t see it. “Maybe then I would be able to finally make money from all the hard work I’m doing,” I shot back.

My therapist took a deep breath. I could tell she was choosing her words carefully. She had a way of never revealing her opinion unless she thought I could handle it. Normally she just asked questions. I guess she thought I could handle it this time.

“Maybe it’s not about what you are offering people, Melanie. Maybe it’s the intention behind what you are offering. Did you ever think that maybe your help doesn’t really help all that much? Maybe they actually don’t need you at all. Maybe the people who do show up just like you because they like you, not for what you offer them.”

“Oh.” I saw it for the first time. My heart turned to a cold lump of clay and the various connective tissues in my chest struggled to keep its lumpy weight in place as it tried to plunge into my stomach. Anxiety pulled my shoulders closer together. A metallic taste filled my mouth and nausea filled my gut. I wanted to be mad at her, but I knew she saw a bigger picture. Guilt. What if they see through my act the same way I am now seeing through it? What if they have been seeing through it all along and laughing at me behind my back?

We were quiet a moment as she gave me space to absorb the blow. Finally, she asked, “Do you see it?”

“Yeah,” I spoke from the seed of discomfort deep within my churning belly, “my pathetic little ego screaming for validation, my own search of worthiness is radiating out into the world as a giant ball of arrogance.”

A sob caught in my throat, my eyes got wet, I bit my lower lip. The therapist set the tissue box near me and said nothing at all.

Day 233

The retreat was fantastic. The food was out of this world, the house was beautiful and relaxing, the girls loved spending time together and formed new friendships. I had organized the entire event well, and we had just the right amount of activity and inactivity. My teaching was decent, as it normally is. My workshops were interesting and valuable, as I had indeed learned some cool stuff and was ready to pass it along.  After seven days, the girls had enjoyed a great time and were ready to get back to their lives. No one was healed forever, no one found salvation, no one had an “epic life-changing” experience. No one, except maybe me.

From that moment forward, I swore off what I called “The Hustle” for good. I swore I would never again hustle for clients, trying to convince them that I had arrived somewhere and had some great truth which would help them in life. I wouldn’t measure worthiness by the number of clients. I told myself that, from there on out, I would live authentically and if anyone was drawn to me for it, I would help them naturally, just by being myself. I was done looking for validation in the number of people I could claim to have inspired.

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over [the ego] and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Back to Step One, again! I had no idea I would have to come back to this stupid step so many times! I also had no idea how many more times, in the near future, I would keep coming back.

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    برای خرید هودی ارزان و باکفیت می‌توانید از
    طریق فروشگاه اینترنتی پارچی
    اقدام کنید.

    در نهایت هر هودی را که خریداری می‌کنید، به نحوه شستن آن هم که معمولاً روی اتیکتی در
    قسمت داخلی لباس زدند، توجه کنید.

    Reply

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