Puerto Escondido is a Show, for me
I punched my surfboard like a child, tears started to form as I slapped the water.
“You are charging. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” A well meaning nearby surfer offered.
“Are you kidding me? I’ve fallen on every wave I’ve attempted for two hours straight!” I paddled away, I didn’t want to hear the voice of reason. What I wanted was a good wave.
Well that is not actually true. What I wanted was a good photo.
I started my session in a great mood and I caught a couple of decent waves, not great, but I could feel I was applying something I had learned a couple of days ago. The progress felt satisfying even if I wasn’t yet doing it perfectly
Then I saw him, the photographer I normally get photos from, in the water, right in front of me. GAME ON! The new technique I was working on included setting my rail earlier so that I could pull into closeout barrels. I was dying for a photo of myself deep inside of a closeout. I already was writing the caption to my next social media post in my mind:
“They say if you make it out of the barrel you weren’t deep enough” or maybe “To quote my ‘friend’ Makua Rothman, ‘I’d rather be too deep and eat it then to outrun barrel’”
But every time I got in the perfect position for a barrel I fell, over and over and over. And of course I did, because I was trying way too hard. I was going on waves I would have normally let pass by, I was going deeper than other surfers and deeper than my skill level really allowed for, mostly because I wanted more opportunities in front of the camera. And each fall was recorded both in photography by the guy in the water, and on video film by his wife on the beach. Not to mention by who-knows-how-many other photographers on the beach.
Puerto is a show. The wave breaks super close to the beach. Many other surfing arenas don’t make for good viewing because the waves break a long way off shore. Puerto is one of the best places on earth to watch high level surfing.
When the massive swells hit, Puerto’s best athletes put to test the limits of human capacity, all directly in front of a captive live audience.
It is not uncommon to hear cheering on the beach and in the water when someone gets a great tube ride. It is also not uncommon to see a photo of a perfect wave, being perfectly ridden, with a woman’s perfect bikini clad butt in the foreground. Some of the world’s most beautiful women inhabit Zicatela beach.
A multitude of photographers, videographers and drone operators swarm the beach every morning. To enhance the show, the waves only cooperate from dawn until about 11am. With limited time that means every wave is documented. And so is every wipeout.
Today I did a quick count of the number of men surfing the same peak as me: 38. Number of women: 1.
I can’t walk across the beach without photos of my butt showing up on Instagram.
Since there is only one road that runs the length of the town it is impossible not to be seen when running an errand or going out for dinner. And when you are the tallest women in town, bigger than most men, with white skin, and one of very few women who surfs, everyone knows your name.
And I love it.
When a photo of me shows up in instagram, someone knows who I am and they tag me. I get a rush every time I hear that sound telling me someone just posted a picture of me.
The social media world is a world of our best moments. The awards the kids won, not the temper tantrums they threw. The beautiful 5 star restaurant you ate at, not the drive through burger you scarfed down. And for me, being “YogaSurfMel”, my social media account is filled with my best surfing and yoga moments.
I love to be seen. I love attention. I love comments, likes, shares, tags. And so my instagram is filled my greatest moments. Puerto has given me my greatest surf moments. I love Puerto for this reason.
It has also given me my most humbling surf moments. My worst wipeouts, always captured on film.
And this is exactly the reason I often feel isolated and lonely here too. Everyone knows my name. And yet I eat dinner alone every night. I have a lot of invitations to go have a drink…aka get drunk and hopefully get lucky… but very few invitations to have a coffee and get to know each other. And even when I do get these kind of invitations, the conversation is about waves, surfing, and how did I get all those instagram followers anyway?
Admittedly my Spanish sucks when it comes to topics of spirituality, the books that inspire me, the challenges I’ve overcome in my past and my current hopes and dreams. But that’s because these topics never come up. It is no coincidence that I can describe in perfect detail how the waves look, what the tide is doing, the wind direction and anything else surf related, but just this week I finally learned the words for self esteem, pride, and generosity.
As an aside, there is a group of surfers who I feel very connected to. These people make me feel like part of their family. They invite me on surf trips, help me repair my cars, take me to jujitsu lessons, give me surf advice and most importantly, have conversations with me about matters of the heart. They are mostly early to bed and early to rise types, they don’t care about photos or instagram followers, they just love to surf.
Of course, as soon as the photographer left the water today I caught a great wave.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform. I know it isn’t a performance. It is surfing, it is supposed to be enjoyed. But when I am truly honest with myself I enjoy the social media likes almost as much as I enjoy the waves themselves. It’s just the truth.
I am not proud of this. I heard of a place on the Hawaiian island of Kauai where photographers are quickly escorted off the beach. I have friends who refuse to talk to photographers because they know how destructive the photos can be. I saw a picture of my friend getting the barrel of his life in Indo. He told me the story of that day. He told the photographer to stop taking pictures and to hurry up and get in the water with him.
I don’t want to misrepresent my struggle. Surfing without photos is something I do all the time. The feeling of oneness with the ocean, the struggle with the power of nature, the absolute surrender to the ebbs and flows; these are the real reasons I surf. And I would surf if social media nor photos never existed. I would surf if no one could ever see me.
Today I felt the show, and it ruined my session.
I was reminded of a similar session I had last year at a very hard to access spot. The conditions were tricky, very fast and closed out, like today. The difference was that it was just me in the water and my boyfriend at the time on the beach. I fell, time after time after time. And each time I fell, I learned something valuable. With each wipe out I gained confidence. I got out of the water to find my boyfriend snoozing in the hammock, not paying any attention to how good or badly I was surfing. He lifted his head when I bent over him, dripping water on his face,
“How was your session?” He asked.
“Amazing!” I responded, grinning from ear to ear.
“Did you get some good waves?”
“No, none, actually.” And we both laughed.
I fully admit, surfing is not about “show”, and my need for attention doesn’t seem healthy. But I would argue that in this moment, my giving into my need for attention is indeed serving me well.
Let me explain.
There was a period in my life when the healthiest thing I could do for myself was to binge eat, which is generally not a healthy thing.
I’m always ravenous in the morning. Breakfast has always been the hardest time of the day for me not to overeat. I used to fight myself for hours every morning, craving more more more! But I resisted because it knew it was “bad” to overeat. Eventually I said “screw it” and I started eating as much as I wanted all morning long. That’s when I gained a significant amount of weight. Recently, I started to notice I was feeling nauseous while surfing after a big breakfast. Now it is almost no struggle at all to eat a piece of fruit or a small bowl of cereal and call it good. I still feel I want more, but I’ve learned that in a few minutes I will forget about food and I will feel better during my surf session if I don’t keep eating.
For years I resisted my urges for “bad food.” Eventually I gave up and let myself have as much bad food as I wanted. Now I occasionally eat bad food, and I occasionally refrain, not because I’m supposed to, but because I don’t want it, it doesn’t sound good to me. You see as soon as it wasn’t forbin, it lost its sex appeal.
The show is still sexy.
I love the show. I love the photos. I love the massive closeout barrels and I especially love the ones that let you out. I love watching the show. I love taking pictures of other people putting on the show out in the waves. I love when someone calls me by name whom I don’t know. I love being waved at every time I walk down the street. I love being a part of the show. I’ve always loved a performance.
But surfing is not a performance. And when I forget that, my performance suffers.
Today I learned a little about the dark side of the show. Today a little of the joy of the show was taken away.
There was a time in my life when I resisted my sexuality, because I was told good girls shouldn’t be sexy. Eventually I let myself be as sexy as I wanted. Now sometimes I freely enjoy my sexuality and sometimes I cover up with a men’s t-shirt and hat and do my best to avoid all male attention. Not because I should be modest, but because I don’t want to be seen, I’m over it.
But I still want to be seen on waves, I want more photos, better photos, better barrels, bigger waves. I am not full.
And I’m not going to get full unless I binge.
I’m going to go on posting my best photos, and sometimes my best wipeouts. I’m going to go on hunting down the photographers with my photos. I’m going to go on reveling in the the number of likes I get on my best waves. Why not? It feels good.
One day I will be full. Today is not that day. The only way beyond this is right smack through it!
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