9.18.18
I still have a lot of fat days. Plenty of them. Today is one of them.
When I was in the thick of my eating disorder my weight was typically in the 130’s. For the last almost two years it has been in the 160’s. My high school weight was 150 and I am certain I have gained a great deal of muscle since then. I’ve come to accept this is my new healthy weight. And since I trust my body more, I like the way it looks better too.
I NEVER thought that it would be possible to gain weight and like my body, but it happened.
I no longer battle my hunger. If I am hungry I eat. I believe that my body knows what is best for it. My body is happiest at my new weight. I have far more energy, far more strength and far more stamina than I used to.
This summer was the first time in 4 years that I got my period for three months in a row.
I used to feel ill when I ate pretty much anything. My digestive tract was so unhealthy that I couldn’t digest most foods. At one point I had a list of eight things I could eat. Now I eat pretty much whatever I want with no issues. I still feel yucky if I eat too much cheese. I feel puffy and gassy if I eat gluten. Other than that, I eat whatever I’m hungry for.
I’ve never once thought, “Oh I’m so thirsty but I just had a glass of water an hour ago, I shouldn’t drink anything right now.” That is just idiotic. If I don’t drink when I am thirsty I would have major health problems.
If my body tells me it is thirsty I need to drink. The same goes for hunger. I’m just beginning to realize this.
When I’m listening to my body, eating when I’m hungry, stopping when I’m fully, making mostly healthy food choices, exercising daily and not drinking too much alcohol, then I feel really confident about my body. I put on clothes and I feel good in them. I look in the mirror and I feel fit.
But it is still a battle to do all of that. There are three issues that I still struggle with.
First, stopping when I’m full is often very hard. Satiety is still elusive for me. There have been several occasions recently when I’ve been at a restaurant and the portion is just too big for me. I looked it, wanted to continue enjoying it, but thought better, knowing that I would feel slow and heavy if I ate too much. This is huge for me. I’ve only ever been able to quit eating in the past with an act of pure will power, never want power. But I don’t always do this. I often struggle to know when I’ve eaten enough. Or sometimes I know I’ve even enough and I still keep eating.
The second issues is eating when I’m not truly hungry. In the past every emotion showed up in my body has hunger. I never actually felt anything, I just felt hungry. Now I feel a lot, and I like it. But anxiety still masquerades as hunger. But now I do know the difference now between real hunger and emotional hunger. On these anxious days I let myself eat more than I really need just to be sure I’ve had enough. But the hunger persists. Sometimes I can sit with it and breath through it, sometimes I cannot. On these days I will over eat. It is no longer a full on binge but it is a significant amount of calories, more than I physically need. But emotionally, I need it. I am just doing the best I can. I try not to beat myself up when this happens. I try to just move on.
And the third issue is eating crap. I’ve found that is is important not to label certain foods as good and others as bad. Food is just food, it is neither healthy nor unhealthy. My body is smart, it tells me what it wants. For example, here in Mexico I drink a lot more sugary drinks. I’ve learned that plain water does not hydrate me in this heat. I often crave a water mixed with fruit juice, a sports drink or even a soda. And if I don’t hydrate with sugar I get cramps while I surf, even if I’ve had plenty of water. But I also have been lazy about preparing really good food for myself and I’m to worried about spending too much money to order what I really want in a restaurant. So what’s been happening is that I’m eating a lot of granola and peanut butter and tortillas and not a lot of veggies and high quality protein. The foods I’m eating tend to be processed and not whole. I am simply not putting that much effort into my food. I’m not really caring for myself well.
And because of these three things, the truth is that I am a little chunky right now.
I know, because I’ve spent countless hours inspecting myself in front of mirrors. I don’t weigh myself anymore but I have definitely gained some weight. And I don’t like the way it looks on me. Even worse, I don’t like the way I feel. I feel slightly nauseous and really tired. In fact, my bodies knows it’s over it’s healthy weight because it has replaced my normally ravenous appetite with a slight bit of nausea. It is nature’s way of regaining balance. And this just makes things worse because then I don’t feel like working out. I don’t even feel like being in my body at all. I feel my belly roll over my yoga pants if I stretch. I don’t feel like showering because then I have to see myself naked in the mirror. So I’m not moving, I’m not stretching, I’m not even grooming myself well. And then I begin to hate my body even more.
Yesterday I put a stop to it. In the past this is the point where I would get miserable enough to go on some new “plan of eating.” (I would never call it a “diet”, I would even lie to myself). Not this time. Yesterday I took a good long shower after a few days van camping. I used my favorite oils and creams. I put on a little make up. Even though I didn’t feel like it I got into workout clothes and went for a nice brisk walk on the beach. About 10 minutes into my walk I felt like running and about 10 minutes into my run I felt like doing some sprints. I went to the market and spent more than usual on high quality ingredients. I spent extra time making myself a dinner with beautiful presentation.
I woke up this morning and I still felt fat. Nothing has changed. But I went surfing. Yesterday I didn’t even have the desire to enter the water. Today I at least felt like trying. I sat there for 30 minutes, not wanting to go on a wave. I didn’t feel confident since I haven’t been running nor feeling all that great with this extra chub causing me to feel nauseous. After 30 minutes my mind calmed down. Eventually I got a couple of nice waves and exited the water feeling satisfied.
I know for sure the weight will come off, because my body isn’t happy here. My body is smart and wants to be back at it’s happy weight. I don’t need to control it, I just need to trust it. Even more I need to reassure it that I love it.
I think my body is like a scared little feral kitten. She knows she is fierce. She depends on my for her basic needs. But I keep fucking with her. Sometimes I scream at her, sometimes I pinch her, sometimes I refuse to feed her, sometimes I force her to keep eating when she’s already stuffed. I’m trying to tame her and it’s not working. She keeps sneaking into the kitchen and grabbing treats when nobody’s looking because she doesn’t trust I’ll give her enough food. She keeps eating when she doesn’t really need it because she’s afraid then next time she is hungry I won’t fill her food bowl. If I want to earn her trust back I have to pet her, talk sweetly to her, spend time with her and feed her. It isn’t going to happen over night.
Each day I notice things changing. I used to be ravenous first thing in the morning. Pulling myself away from the breakfast table used to be harder than any other meal. Just recently I switched to a very light breakfast before surfing since I felt crappy surfing on a full stomach. It wasn’t something I forced myself to do. It was something I wanted to do. And just in the last few days I haven’t felt like eating anything at all until after surfing.
I still have this unneeded fat on my body. But it’s gonna come off, it always does. This is natural and normal. I’m not a bad persona and even more, my body isn’t bad. I will take care of her the best I can, be as kind as I can and next week I’ll be right back to taking bikini selfies.
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