Awakening
Something is happening to me. Something is waking within me. And it is powerful. Let me illustrate with a few things that have happened this month.
Watching waves, for the first time
Frothy bubbles fizzed above my eyes. Turquoise and subtle purple glinted off the perfect impermanent spheres. Salt burned my eyes, my lungs asked to breath. But neither the salt nor the high concentration of CO2 in my lungs was enough to break free of the spell that these tiny orbs had over me.
This is what awake feels like. To watch a wave crashing over me from 15 feet below the surface of the water. To dive a little deeper still.
I’ve never watch a wave break from under it before. I’ve never appreciated how beautiful they are. I’ve always just tried to get on them and make them do something for me.
Noticing my thoughts, for the first time
My father is covered in hair. We used to complain about cleaning the bathroom because it was filled with short curly black hairs. I too, would be similarly covered in hair if I didn’t spend hours per week shaving, bleaching, tweezing and waxing. From my face to my toes it is everywhere! I’ve been unhappily waging war against the hair since my brothers started made fun of me when I was 9 for looking like a “werewolf”. I have gone months without thinking of it while camping on the beach, the sun and surf a pleasant enough distraction. But the truth is that I like to be soft.
I was in the bathtub at 3pm, again. It seems to have become one of the most enjoyable parts of my day recently. I’ve taken to shaving in the tub since my back injury. It hurts to bend in the shower. At first I felt guilty about soaking in the tub while there was still daylight left to be “productive”. But then I realized, I was already living a dream life and the only thing left to “do” was to enjoy more fully what I already had, by doing things like soaking in a bathtub when my back ached.
Suddenly it occurred to me that I was shaving my legs with a smile on my face.
I laid there with the water still running. I felt the warm water cascade over my sore muscles, the soft glide of the razor and the silky smooth skin. This is what it feels like to be present. This is what if feels like not to run away from my body, or tolerate it at best.
And then I saw my thighs. They stood in soft, stark contrast to the other muscled parts of my body. I lovingly grabbed a handful on either side. Oh my dear thighs you are holding so much for me. Every emotion I’ve ever eaten away lives right here beneath my dimpled skin. You poor beautiful thighs. I’m so sorry I’ve hated you for so long. You’ve carried me so far.
The tears I cried went unnoticed as the falling water carried them away. Lightness filled my body. My guess is that several minutes passed before I became aware that I was still in the tub, laying with my hands on my belly, watching the rise and fall of deep belly breathing.
A Vision of My Death
The brilliant sun was almost too much goodness to bear. I lay sprawled on my towel, clutching an unopened library book. I watched as a set of waves rolled into where the surfers had stationed themselves above the reef, 200 yards from shore.
The soundless wave rolled, towering higher until it threatened to topple. White foam crowned the crest. And then just as the lip began to pitch forward a surfer, in perfect synchronicity, took his final paddle before leaping to his feet.
And suddenly my heart stopped beating. The scene in front of my eyes disappear and entirely out of nowhere I was transported to a beautiful bed, surrounded by flowers, with an ocean-facing window to my left. Light poured in through the window. A man with strong eyes stood in front of the window. His hand reached down to hold mine as I laid in the bed. My hair was long, deep chocolate brown and falling around my face. Perhaps I had refused the chemo? I looked beautiful. I looked young. Maybe mid-forties. I held his hand but neither of us held back our tears. No words were spoken. Goodbye was exchanged through our fingertips. And then I closed my eyes. For good.
Laying there on the beach I realized that statistically, this crystal clear vision of my own death was more likely to be reality than not.
I can feel emotions in my hands
I can feel things in people’s bodies when I touch them. Anger, for example, feels like dense body armor, under the skin but above the muscle. Angry people need elbows and body weight to break up their armor before the muscles can be really felt. It’s as if I almost need to be violent in order to access an angry person.
Fear lives in the glutes. It is the the most subtle of gripping, the flexing of the hamstring, the catching of the breath. Today I worked on a glute filled with fear. As I worked to gently coax out the tension suddenly a pain shot through my glut in the same spot I was touching. Coincidence? Later in the massage my heart started racing for no reason. I took a slow steady deep breath and the man did the same. After the massage he informed me he had had a heart operation which made his heart beat faster than it should and often he was overtaken by waves of panic which made his heart race. He said he was starting to feel a wave of panic come over him but my breath calmed him.
Anxiety makes muscles stringy. Sadness turns the body to mush.
How do I know this? I don’t know. But suddenly I just do.
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