Addiction is a way to change the how I’m feeling. When I first get into a new relationship I always lose five pounds because I have very little need for food and sleep. I don’t want to change the way I feel –because the feeling of new love is just so good, what is there to change? I have no use for food.
Right now I’m tired. I’ve been traveling for the last 22 hours and I still have about 7 more to go. I’ve been eating non-stop. And most of what I’ve been eating has been sugar. I am tired, cold and my body is in pain. I just want this journey to be over.
Addition first showed up in my life as addiction to attention. Dramatic emotional outburst were a regular part of my childhood. As the middle child of five I struggled to make my voice heard unless there were tears attached to it. These outburst of emotion morphed into an addiction to trophies, getting A’s and MVP’s. If there was a competition I entered it. I was addicted to being the best. The addiction wasn’t the awards through, it was the approval I got from my teachers, coaches and parents.
As I seperated myself from the need for my parents approval in late adolsence I still needed attention, I went looking from it more from teachers and choach but even more so amoung my peers. The need to fit in came from a deep seeded feeling of being different. Maybe it was because of my homeschooling or the clothing I wasn’t allowed to wear. Or maybe everyone just feels the need to fit in. Either way I never felt as “cool” or as attractive as the girls around me. I felt awkward in the knock off shoes, hand-me-down clothing and slightly larger than average body.
I wanted to fit in so badly that I looked for any way to fill this craving. This eventually lead to my eating disorder. In a nutshell, my eating disorder came from the need to change the way I felt. I felt disconnected.
Food connects me. Sex connects me. Conversation connects me. Surfing connects me. Writing connects me. What I really want is a connection that doesn’t end when the chewing or humping ends.
I’m already connected without any of these things. I’m connected because I Am.
My thoughts run away with me and a million miles per hour. I’m worried about the apartment lease I still need to sign. I’m feeling guilty over the chocolat I just ate. I’m thinking about my trip this week and the goals I want to accomplish. I am preoccupied with all the things I want to accomplish. I’m budgeting, planing, regretting, worrying, scheming, strategizing. And I’m hungry. Because in this moment I don’t have the energy for anything. I’ve been flying for 22 hours. My back is injured. I need all the energy I have just to stay present.
The best thing I can do for myself right now is to enjoy my breath, enjoy my writing if I have the energy, or just experienced the sensations in my body with curiosity if I cannot muster up enjoyment.
*** 20 minutes after writing this I went a bought a cookie as big as a tortilla. I ate the whole thing and felt sick from both the sugar and the guilt. I have all the write words, but I’m still missing the point.
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