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I want to be a little thinner. So I can be more nimble in the water. And that’s the truth.
Well, okay, that’s 75% true. 25% of me still think that if I had less cellulite on my legs and a more defined waistline, less fat pushing out from the sides of my bikini tops, then somehow I would be happier.
But 75% of my thinks that losing a few pounds will help me get to my feet quicker, will help me change the position of my body quicker, will give me more endurance in the water. I would get more waves, I would ride them better.
But then what? Then somehow I would be happier?
It’s really the same thing isn’t it? I don’t want to be thinner, I never have wanted to be thinner, I want to be happier.
Let’s break this down:
What do I think becoming a better surfer will get me? Recognition? Yes. People will take even more notice of me.
And what does recognition get me? Money? Well…yes, so far getting recognized has gained me some surf sponsors and a few subscribers to my blog. I have faith that with more recognition I will be able to earn more money.
And what does money get me? Freedom? Yes. With money I am free to do exactly what I want with my day, go where I want, buy what I want and help those around me.
And what does freedom get me? Happiness?
But I’m already happy.
Could I be happier? Yes. Perhaps if my worries about money were no longer an issue, then I could be even happier.
But I am happy, right now. Very happy indeed. Is it cool to want more?
Think about it. The universe has been evolving for millions of years. From atoms to molecules to cells to organisms to plants and animals to skyscrapers to the internet.
Everything is always moving forward, growing and becoming.
I think it’s part of the natural order of the universe to have the desire to expand, specifically, to expand our level of happiness.
So how will I expand? What is my contribution to the growth of the universe? Right now it is surfing and writing, equally both.
That means I need the freedom to do both of these things. That means I need the money to do both of these things, that means I need recognition for both of these things, that means I need to do them well enough to get noticed. So I want to do anything I can to reach that goal, since it is how I contribute, it is my part in the larger scheme of evolution.
One thing I can do to improve my surfing is to lose a little weight.
But I think there is a hole in this line of thought. An atom didn’t “try” to bond with another atom to form the first molecule. A fish didn’t “try” to grow legs to become the first amphibian. And I’m not sure, but in some sense, I doubt the founders of the internet “tried” very hard. I bet the opportunities were there and it felt more natural to do it than to not do it. I bet it was just the natural course of events.
So what is my natural course of event? I have no idea. But I do know that everytime I TRY to make something happen, it doesn’t turn out well. In the past I tried really hard to lose weight. It almost killed me.
I also have come to realise that every time I let myself get hungry enough to lose a few pounds my body responds by getting ill. I can pretty much plan on it. If my weight drops under a certain number, boom, I come down with something. It’s like an algorithm. I can set my watch by it.
Right now I’m trying really hard to gain recognition for my surfing and writing. To be honest, it feels slow.
What feels natural is surfing everyday. For as long as I want to. Asking for help and coaching. Posting photos of myself surfing if I feel like it. Eating healthy. Eating enough to fill me up. Eating more when I’m hungry for more. Training in the gym. Doing Yoga. Posting photos of my life and my body if I feel like it. And writing — writing every damn day. This is what feels natural.
And nature always wins.
If the grand plan is to expand my happiness, then all I need to do is keep on doing what I’m doing, as long as it feels natural.
And, I am 100% sure, that by doing all of this. My body will find a very natural, healthy weight, that is perfectly suited to optimize my happiness.
So I guess I’ll change my first statement. Instead of “I want to be a little thinner,” I guess I would say, “I want to expand on the happiness I already have.” But to be a little more concrete about that, what it really means is: “I want to earn a little more money from doing what I’m already doing.” And that is just the honest truth.
Just another confession from the depths. I never really know how these confession will turn out. I always learn something about myself. Thanks for reading.
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