Scales are for Fishes

Cardio for weight loss makes me sick

One day I took a hammer to my scale. Three weeks later I bought  a new one. One day I hid the scale and didn’t get it out for weeks. Then I stepped on a scale at a friends house. I left the party early because I could stand to have my fat disgusting self around happy people.

One day I swore I would do whatever it took to fix this problem as I wandered around my neighborhood wearing his XL t-shirt trying to hide my painfully swollen belly. I ached with gas pains. I looked 8 months pregnant. Walking and sipping green tea brough moderate relief. I walked for two hours, came home, made more tea, and went back to walking.

I learned the issues I was having with gas and severe bloating had to do with gut bacteria, something that is extremely delicate and difficult to fix. Something that was affected by my bulimia.

I started buying probiotics, then I started buying methods of making my own probiotics, a yogurt maker, a kombucha set up, a sauerkraut crock. I bought digestive enzymes and started learning ways to make my own through juicing.

I bought a juicer and spent a fortune on organic local veggies. I bought superfood tablets and powders, dehydrated seaweed and berries. I have no idea how much I was spending monthly on all the supplements, joices and probiotic I was using to try to get better. Not to mention all the alternative healers I was seeing, but it was in the hundreds of dollars.

Every time I forked over another wad of cash a gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach would say, “You’re doing this to be skinny.” But I never let it speak loud enough so I could hear it. I would push down the truth by reminding myself that I was sick and I needed to get better…so I could get skinnier…oops did I just say that?

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