Some days I set a timer and I ask myself to just write anything and everything that comes up, without stopping to edit, until the timer goes off. I never plan to publish this stuff so it is a wonderful way of getting at my most authentic self.
But then I thought, why not be authentic with you guys, my insiders? That is the whole point right? So here it is, my insecurities about my relationship, my stressful thoughts about money, my eating disorder thoughts that are STILL with me… I share because it makes me better, so here it is.
Free write 30: April 2, 2019
Thirty minutes of writing begins now.
I’m feeling guilty about how much I ate this morning. It was far more than I really needed but it took all of it to feel full. I’ve been eating a lot more than normal. I don’t like it. I feel bad about myself. I know my weight loss has stopped and I don’t want it too. This most recent set back with the pinched nerve in my back is making it worse as I don’t feel like doing anything at all. Today is almost 5 days after I originally re-injured it and it is just now getting back to bearable. I’m so bummed that the roll that I was on, feeling head over heels in love with life every second of every day, has now petered out.
I’m back in my head again, thinking all the time without noticing that I’m thinking. I’m worried about money for no reason at all.
I don’t want to drink everyday. I don’t even want to drink every night. I also don’t want to smoke everyday. I’m going to resist these craving by turning my attention toward them, feeling them, and riding them out. This is the same as I have done with my pain. Both the emotional and physical pain I’ve been enduring has been a blessing. I’m going to look at my cigarette and food craving the same way. I need to be more disciplined about getting back into flow. Too much time out of my rhythm has thrown me off. It is very hard to invite another person into my life and still maintain the life that I want. But it is absolutely necessary. I really need to make a list of priorities and be sure that I stick to them for both Tom and I.
-Writing – gotta do this daily
-Business work
-Time in nature (this one can NOT be skipped)
-Exercice/breathing/PT
Get healthy, whatever it takes. Tom and I have a world to take on together. I’m so excited and nervous. I’d like to just feel these nerves and go with it. I don’t want to eat my stress away.
What does this stress feel like right now? Fear, because I just took a major step with Tom. Which is so funny because at any time I can I can change this if it isn’t working.
I can do it myself. It’s not that hard. I can quit overeating, smoking, and drinking if I want to quit. And I’m going to prove just how easy it is. I want to be healthy, active, vibrant, energetic, flowing, graceful, full of life, overflowing, abundant, radiant, perspective and brave. I need to be sober, lean, and filled with clean air to make that happen. It actually doesn’t require any discipline, it just requires keeping in mind what I actually want. I can do this! And I will do this!
I have 8 more minutes of writing to do. I want to talk about what is going on in my leg right now. There is a sensation that something is snagged. I know that it is coming from a nerve that has been pinched in my spine. I know that it is starting to feel better today. What was it here to teach me? What is the lesson in this? Don’t have expectations. Don’t worry about money, don’t get greedy. Let money flow how it will. Do your part and then let it go. I
I’m stressed about the future. That is what it is. I’m worried about what will happen with Tom, what will happen to me financially. I’m trying to make the future go a certain way when in reality there is nothing that I can do to make my future even better than the one that I’m destined for if I just sit back, relax and enjoy today.
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