No no no! Don’t take this dream from me!
This is all I have. I gave up everything, everything! I own nothing. I’m literally alone on a beach with no family or friends nearby, crying my eyes out with pain shooting through my body, hiding my tears under a hoodie from all the happy tourist walking by.
I push limits. I always have. I guess I found mine. Most people never do.
I was willing to do whatever it took. I put in more hours, I studied longer, I trained harder. I had to be vigilant. No moment went wasted.
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There was no risk i wasn’t willing to take, no fear I wasn’t willing to face. I am a master at self discipline, mind over matter and will power.
And now I’m sitting on the beach watching the vastus lateralis muscle in my thigh spasm in excruciating pain. The reality is that I did this to myself.
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My entire lumbar spine is severely damaged. There is tearing, bulging, heriation, nerve damage and bone damage.
This didn’t happen overnight. Years and years of mind over matter has finally caused dibitating damage. Then a combination of one big fall and one small one did the finishing touches.
We caught it soon enough. If I stop now I can fix it. But I have to change everything about the way I live, I have to change who my ego says I am.
After several months of rest I will need several more months, even years, of physical therapy to change my movement patterns I’ve developed over a lifetime.
I told my parents I was thinking about going back to school to become a doctor. They were thrilled. But to be honest, the idea breaks my heart. I look up at the surfers out there in the water right now and I think about myself in a lab coat under a fluorescent light and my heart shatters into a million little pieces.
I’m reminded of the time I found myself similarly covered in tears when I realized I had to give up being thin if I want to survive. I felt what I had worked so hard for being ripped from me and my soul collapsed. I knew I didn’t really want to be thin, I wanted to be happy but I thought thinness would get me there. But when I discovered thin didn’t make me happy I was more miserable than ever.
And surfing big waves won’t make me happy either. Because I’ll never be good enough. It will never be enough. I will heal. I will surf again. I might even get barreled at Jaws. But if I make big wave surfing the goal to recovery I’ll never actually become a great big wave surfer.
I need to heal more than just my body. The way I move in this world needs to change. I need to change how I think, how I mentally move through life. Goal oriented living isn’t working for me. I need to let go of accomplishments as my identity.
I must give up my love affair with future results and begin to fully inhabit the present. If the road to the goal is paved with pain then how should I expect the end result to be? You can’t plant a cotton seed and expect to grow a coconut palm.
But the idea of giving up on my dreams leaves a profound sense of loss.
Intellectually I understand I’m not giving up. If I just do what I love for the love of doing it, not only will I be happy, but likely I’ll be even better at it. The best artist are the ones who have to make art, regardless of what any critic thinks of their art.
Actually giving up on the goal of surfing big waves and instead focusing on getting healthy so I can enjoy surfing more fully will likely make me a much better surfer in the long run. Even though I know this, I’d be lying to say it doesn’t feel like a huge loss.
I would have done it. I would have gotten a barrel at Jaws, I would have won a big wave competition. I would have towed in at Nazaré. And now that I need to let all that go, the probability that it will happen is actually far greater.
I’m weak now. But I’m going to break through this sadness and into the next most beautiful season of my life. Just watch me!
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Hi Melanie, I can see what a dark place you are in. But I promise you there is light and you can have full and perfect healing in Christ. By His stripes, you are healed. You are a daughter of of God and through seeking Him you will find that freedom that you long for. I am declaring right here and now a cancellation over those bad health reports. I declare a perfect and healthy spine is in your body. See it in your mind’s eye. And allow this journey to teach you, and reach for the lesson that is unfolding. God is processing you for great things.
Dr. Leo and I are here for you in all ways that we can be. Our healing hands are available to you an we can connect you with many other talented healers as you begin this journey. We love you!
Courtney! I’m so thankful for these healing vibes! how powerful! It has been such a learning experience and I’m so grateful for it!
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