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A drug, to me, is something that I get attached to, and need for my happiness.
The truth is that surfing really scary waves does something, chemically, to my brain. And it gets me high.
But surfing is not the only thing I’m on right now.
I am going to have to make a really hard choice soon.
I met a guy. I really like the guy. We’ve been together pretty much every second we can be since the moment we met. It’s intinse with this guy. He’s the first guy I’ve openly referred to as my “boyfriend” since my divorce.
He’s amazing. Off the charts amazing.
Drug number one: Barrels
We surf together everyday. In fact we get barreled together almost everyday. Getting barreled is one of the best highs one can give herself. Which means were are both in a really good mood as well as in a great physical state from the exercise.
Drug number two: Food
But it gets better. He cooks amazing, made-from-scratch, Mexican food for us, twice a day! My mom always said, “I love you” with food. So his food feeds my heart. Which only puts us both in an even better mood and makes us even healthier since what he cooks is really healthy food. I look forward to the food so much that I actually eat less in between meals. With my eating disorder background, the food is about as good a drug as it gets.
Drug number 3: El Amor
Then there is the fact that we both share the same dominate love language. There are five love languages (the way we individually feel most loved): Spending quality time together, gifts, acts of service, physical touch and words of affirmation. For me, it has always been physical touch and words of affirmation. Being latino, he pretty much gushes over me constantly, “mami, te amo…no en serio, te amo mas…no mi amor, la verdad, yo a ti te amo mas mi mamita!!” ay yi yi, que RICO!
So needless to say, we are both pretty drugged up on feel good chemicals from the surfing, the Mexican food and the …ehem, well, ya know.
But…
That also means that the very serious things that I want for my life are quite easily ignored. It’s far too convenient to forget about goals, accomplishments, the future, and just live for today.
The truth is that we are literally as different as black and white. And all of those cultural differences mean there is plenty of picante in our relationship. We are constantly seeing things from a different world view. We are both pretty committed to our worldviews. Not because we think we are right and the other is wrong, but because it works for us. That means there is a lot of head butting, over really big issues.
But that same red flag is part of the attraction isn’t it? When things get heated and one of us threatens to leave and the other gets emotionally drawn in and everything feels so heavy. Those moments are also feeding my addiction. Clearly I’m addicted to excitement, it’s why I surf heavy waves. I love the drama. And we do have a bit of drama…
Because, what is the high worth if you don’t know the low? And the higher the higher, the more opportunity for searing pain when the drug is removed.
This is gunna hurt!
I knew from the first day I met him that when this one ends, It’s going to hurt so bad that it just might take me out of the game. I took two years to recover from the last guy. I’m not sure I will ever be able to love again if this one ends.
And it will end. Even if we live happily ever after, at some point, one of us will die. At some point I will have to let go of this drug.
Hawaii
The opportunity came up to go back to Hawaii for the winter. It means four months apart. It removes every one of the serotonin inducing drugs we are feeding each other. Is there enough true respect, good communication, common goals for the future, compatibility, for this relationship to continue without barrels and enchiladas and sex?
He keeps asking me, “You are coming back right?” And I keep saying, “Yes of course.”
I’m not stupid. I know how drugged up I am. I know how time changes everything. My heart is breaking at even the thought of losing him.
It can’t be! I won’t let it happen! I’ll do whatever it takes!
You see how attached I am? How much I desire control? How I’m clinging to this, as if this is the only thing that could ever make me truly happy. And that is exactly why I need to go. Because if I place all my happiness on him, then happy is the last thing that I will be.
I need to go because I actually really want to. The surfing season is over here, and I have the opportunity to go to the mecca of surfing, the North Shore of Oahu, durring the best part of the season. I have the opportunity to work and make decent money doing work I enjoy. I have friends there and I’m looking forward to seeing them. And the bottom line is this really is what I want to do.
If I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t. I’m done doing things I don’t want to do because I’m scared of the consequences of doing what I actually do want to do.
I want to go to Hawaii and work for four months. I’m scared to risk losing what I already have for something more that I want. But I know of course that if it does end, it is certainly for the better because that mean it was really just about the drugs in the first place, and we never really had anything solid to begin with.
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