I’m working on a book. Yup, a real book that comes with real paper. Something you can hold in your hand and pass along to a friend. But I’m really doubting myself.
My heart sees me at a book signing. It is packed. My heart sees my inbox blowing up with emails from people who relate to my story thanking me for sharing it. My heart sees a book tour. My heart sees an agent, a publisher, an income, an advance on a second book.
When I was about eight I invited my family and some family friends to a concert. I would be the only performer. The big event would be held in the basement. I selected my favorite songs to cover and my older siblings helped me to hang some sheets for a stage curtain. I was elated when some of my parents friends agreed to come.
The afternoon preceding the evening of the concert I asked my siblings to sit down for dress rehearsal. Like most older siblings would, my brother and sister had some notes for me. I was devastated and wanted to call the whole thing off. My eight-year-old self got a glimpse of her ego from the outside and saw how ridiculous the whole thing was – this wasn’t the start of the road to stardom, this was just some adults humering a silly little kid.
I tell that story for two reasons. The first is that ever since I was a child I wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted to do something really great that people would love me for. On the one hand, I was looking to be validated by other people’s praise. But on the other hand that little kid inside of me just really really loved being seen. Being seen and receiving praise has been a two sided coin of desire and shame that I was given from birth.
The other point of that story is that Kid’s have far fewer outside voices telling them what is and is not possible or likely. Maybe I could write a bestseller, but the probability is very quite small.
Those two parts of eight-year-old Melanie are with me in this new project. I feel silly for wanting to write something popular, but I know there is nothing wrong with wanting what I’ve always wanted. I feel silly for believing it could be really good, but I’d be a coward if I let that stop me.
What has changed slightly is the part about doing this for praise. Of course I hope people will respect me and be inspired by me. But that isn’t the point. So what is?
I’m writing a lot about food and sex. I’m writing about how both seemed so bad, in different ways. I write how I feel guilty for indulging in either. I write about how that guilt makes me just want them even more. And it’s kind of amazing how much I’m experiencing of my own emotions while I write. I’m realizing that for years there have been emotions behind my appetite when I just thought I was hungry.
And you know what’s nuts? My behavior around food is changing as a result; my behavior around sex as well. But that is the hard part for me to write about.
Clarification. It is not hard to write about sex. It is hard to PUBLISH my writing about sex. Here is why.
My eating disorder recovery has come in four unique stages:
- Not eating enough.
- Eating enough and punishing myself for it.
- Eating too much and loving every bite.
- Finding balance with healthy eating behaviors.
But my recovery from the evangelical purity movement is looking a lot the same. Except that my sexual recovery has been lagging slightly behind my food recovery and I’m currently in stage three. That makes for some pretty racy material if I’m going to be honest in my writing!
I’m not trying to write a porno here! But I’m afraid. I’m afraid because of what people will think. I’ve had a mask on around both food and sex for a very very long time. Taking my food mask off was the only way to get to the otherside. But I wear my sex mask everywhere I go. I can’t let my former teachers, my surfing mentors, my former yoga students and especially not my parents and their friends know that I’m a raging sexual being right now. I have to put on the mask and play the role of normal. The last guy I slept with I told him he couldn’t tell anyone. Why? It’s just not normal for a woman to enjoy sex the way I do. I don’t want them to know what a slut I am.
Slut? Not normal? Really? Or do most women face the same shame I do and so they too wear a mask? OMG the guilt is still there!
So I’m writing about it. I’m exploring it. And if I’m brave enough there will be a book about it. A real book with real paper. I’m thinking of calling it Cookies and Sex: A journey of shame and desire.
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