12.3.18
Some things I’ve done this week that are tripping me out:
-Smashed pumpkins with an ax, and fed them to the pigs in the backyard
-Made gravy from scratch
-Drove my mom to her doctor’s appointments
-Polished silver
-Put away fall decorations and traded them for Christmas decorations
-Wiped down jars in the pantry
-Trimmed flower in a bouquet and put them in fresh water
-Used a vacuum with so many functions I had to consult the directions
-Attempted to fix a washing machine using a voltage meter
-Wrote christmas cards for my Grandmother since she cannot write anymore, but clearly sending cards is not optional for her.
In fact, I’ve been pretty much walking around in a daze the entire 10 days I’ve been here, completely tripping out on the the way in which I’m spending my time. Mostly I’m in awe of how different this life is from what mine is and how much I am grateful for that very fact.
Stuff
Number one is stuff. There is so much stuff. In the closets, in the garage, in the barn, in coat pockets and pantry cupboards and anywhere anything can be stored. Every nook and cranny is filled with stuff. And it is all useful. Stuff like meat basters, fall decorations, kids’ games, winter coats, spare batteries, herbal supplements and tupperware containers. And because you have this stuff you spend your time organizing it, maintaining it, replacing it, looking for it, and once in a while using it.
Costco Mentality
I mentioned to one woman from my parent’s church how I was used to buying just the food I needed for the day and tomorrow buying more food. She laughed and said she could never live like that. She said costco was her favorite place to shop.
Taking Care of Mom
I’m grateful to be able to do things for my mom that make her feel like her house is maintained the way she likes it and her life is more like normal. Simple things like making sure there are always fresh flowers and that the house is decorated for the proper season. These things take up hours of my day. I’m happy to do them, because they are for my mom, who is ill. But I’m chuckling to myself the entire time I’m doing them, “People actually do this stuff?”
Surfer Girl Priorities
We all have different interests. Some people are homemakers, it is what they love. I am not. I am a surfer. I tried to wear the cute sweaters and boots and curl my hair like I see all the other women in this area doing. But I felt silly, like I was playing dress up. So I switched back to hoodies, gym shoes and beanie hats.
How We Spend Time and Money
I tried to have conversations with my sisters about which vacuum cleaner was the best and the merits of an air frying machine. But I found myself with only clinical things to say, so I shut up.
I also shut up when I saw the bill for the herbal supplements my parents take, and the bill for the special water my brother has delivered and the cost of a loaf of gluten free bread my sister-in-law buys. I have a lot to say. I want to yell actually. But I have nothing good to say.
People keep asking me how I afford what I’m doing, but I’m asking the same question of them.
People keep saying, “It must be nice not to have to spend the majority of your day working.” And I just reply, “It must be nice to own a toaster and a nativity set.”
Stress
But I hate seeing how hard everyone is working. I hate seeing their blunted level of emotions as they walk around half zombies, protected by their insurance policies, their job security, their investment properties and their back stock of canned goods from 2014 and 96 rolls of costco toilet paper. If anything were to go wrong, AAA is just one phone call away and their will always be enough tuna fish and toilet paper to get you through the worst of times.
I’m trying not to judge. It may not sound like it, but I am really trying. I’ve prioritized my life in such a way that I only do what I want to do. Right now I want to take care of my mom. That means doing all sorts of things that are unimportant to me, because they are important to her.
I should point out that my mom’s illness is a complication from an ulcer. Ulcers are from stress. She mentioned that she couldn’t understand why it took three or four people to replace her position at her volunteer job. I mentioned that maybe it was because no one wanted to give themselves an ulcer by taking on too much. She said it never bothered her, and then she asked me to look for the shoe polish and some boots she had stashed away in a storage room in the basement. I don’t even know what a bottle of shoe polish looks like. What do you do with shoe polish anyway? And who has an entire room filled with storage? And she was actually wearing an identical looking pair of black boots when she asked me to go looking for the other boots….
I’m getting too fired up. Time to stop thinking, be more like everyone around, conform, turn my emotions off and just accept the status quo.
Lucky for me I head to Wawaii with one suitcase in exactly four weeks from today.
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