9.9.2018
Zicatela, Mexican Pipeline, the world’s heaviest beach break, the worst paddle out in surfing — this place has a reputation. And it’s been kicking my ass.
I’ve learned to take a wipeout like a champ. I’m excellent at getting into barrels, but getting out of them is a whole different story. I’m the queen of over the falls at this break. (That’s where the wave picks you up and throws you over the top). And to be honest, It doesn’t really bother me. I actually kind of like taking big falls. I really like being under water. It is peaceful, in a fucked up, getting spun around, pitch black, sand entering my throat from my ears, kind of peaceful way.
A photographer stopped me on the beach the other day to compliment me. He said my skill was improving and that he was seeing me on some good waves.
Someone I don’t know posted some photos of me surfing on his facebook page, someone else tagged me.
I surfed a different location last night and someone in the water said, “You were surfing Zicatela yesterday, right?” Someone else answered for me, “Yeah you are yogasurfmel on instagram right?”
Just walking across the beach with a big board gets people talking. I’m not trying to flatter myself here, it’s just that I’m a bit of an odd ball — bigger and whiter and much curvier than anyone else in the water. I stand out.
While the attention is wonderful when I’m successful in the waves, it is equally humiliating when I fuck up. No one posts pictures of my wipeouts, thank god, but everyone sees them.
But somehow I let all the positive attention build my confidence. I use all my mistakes as learning opportunities and just keep on charging. Until recently.
A while back I had a conflict with a certain group of guys in the water, a long story involving sexual harassment and theft that is better left for another blog. Relevant to this story is that fact that now there are certain people in the water who would like to intimidate me. One of them found me quietly surfing, minding my own business a few days ago and felt it would be the appropriate time to bring up my propensity for wipeouts.
It fucking hurt. And it ripped my self confidence from my chest.
I was reminded of another woman, not the best surfer in the world but charges hard, who I’ve heard several men say some pretty nasty things about behind her back.
Am I the laughing stock of Puerto Escondido? Does everyone just put up with me in the water? Oh my god, should I just quit trying to surf big waves? Should I give up this whole surfing sagga altogether? Oh shit, is everyone in the social media world laughing at me every time I post a surfing photo and my form isn’t perfect? Fuck, my ego is humiliating the fuck out of me! I’m so full of myself! I quit! I’m going to be humble and never surf a big wave again until I can refrain from falling on 99% of the small waves I surf.
Right after that guy finished insulting me and my mind finished dishing out it’s own bashing a nice sized wave came right to me.
Oh shit this looks like a really technical wave and I’m probably going to blow it. But I need to make this wave to prove I’m not an awful human!
And I fell. Because I expected to.
Over the next few days I fell more times than I made the wave.
As I paddled for a wave a couple days later, I realized how much I was already expecting myself to fail. I have no idea how I had time to think all of this in 3.9 seconds but I clearly remember thinking the following as I paddled for this wave,
“You are gonna fall on this one, the drop is too steep…
“But you have to go anyway just so you don’t get accused of being scared and backing off…
“But wait if I expect to fall I will. No, I’m going to expect to make the drop…
“Holy shit this is a fucking airdrop! But I think I can stick it!…
“FUCK I stuck it! And I’m still on my feet! YEAH!…
“Oh shit, that lip is coming fast, I’m not going to make this bottom turn fast enough and I’m gonna get smashed!….
“Fuck I turned too fast and now I’m falling, better take a deep breath, this is gonna be a long hold down!…
*underwater* “I wonder if there is anyway that the photo of the drop turned out good?”
And I know I thought all that in only 3.9 seconds because I saw the video of me eating shit afterwards. The videographer laughed as he showed it to me.
And by the way, the photo of the drop did show up on social media and it did look pretty cool….except that my feet were in the wrong position and anyone who knows anything about surfing would look at it and know I’m a total loser…
My confidence was completely shaken by worrying what other people thought of me.
So today I took my camera to the beach rather than my board. The waves were really big and I didn’t want to endure a wipeout on a massive wave that could kill me.
But some small voice inside me said, “Go, you know you can.” It was hard to hear the voice. I wondered if I should tell it to shut up.
I texted a friend who surfs big waves and knows how I surf. He said I should go. I chatted with the lifeguards who also know me and know how I surf. They said I should go. I talked to a photographer who has documented each of my wipeouts, he said I should go too.
So I went. I told myself I just had to go and sit deep, just watching. But after several minutes my confidence swelled. I paddled into the line up. I told myself I just had to sit where the guys who were getting waves were sitting. It was terrifying! Each time a big set came through I dug with all my might to scratch over the top. But eventually I calmed and started to feel confident holding my position. After an hour and a half the wind came up and I was ready to call it a day.
Just then the perfect wave came right to me, no one else was around. I paddled as hard as I could and at the last instant I thought, “Oh shit, I’m going to fall if I go on this!” and I pulled back. Almost as soon as I had pulled back I hated myself. The wave was totally makable, difficult, but makeable. But I had listened to fear of failure instead of my internal rhythm.
Another wave came my way, this one bigger and faster.
“Go you stupid bitch! Put your balls in your pocket and GO!”
I nearly did, but I caught myself. This wave was indeed not makeable at all and it now my ego was trying to force it.
Just then a much bigger set came through. I was already too far inside from having chased down two medium waves without going. Now, a wave the size of a three story house was about to break right on my head. I was in the worst possible position with a massive board far too big to duck dive, not that you could ever duck dive a wave this huge!
Adrenaline fueled my muscles as my arms dug deep with each stroke. The lip started to feather above me. I stroked my way toward the top, my board nearly vertical as the nose reached the crest of the wave. And then, SMACK! The underside of my board hit the back side of the wave with a thud. I just barrelly made it over the top!
My lack of confidence put me in a bad position and then my self criticism had almost killed me.
“Melanie, you are done, get out of the water.” I chuckled as I said it aloud.
Despite not getting any waves, I was proud of myself for what I had accomplished, feeling very successful, I resigned myself to paddle ½ a mile to the bay where I could paddle in without getting smashed by the sets. As I paddled for the west end of the beach a nice little wave lined up for me (relatively little for the day, still double overhead). Just as I was about to make the drop I realized it was going to be a very technical airdrop. But I went for it anyway.
“This board is perfect for air drops!” I said in my head as I leaped to my feet.
And I nailed it!
(and by the way, I don’t have a photo of this wave!)
English
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